While I am by no means an expert when it comes to taste pallets, food presentation, and yelp, (ya’know all the things that make a true foodie) I do know fast food chicken. With that said, I think it’s time someone finally hashed out the greatest battle of all time, in an effort to determine who is the One True King of the Bird.
CATEGORY I: Employee Uniforms
First things first, we have to start with the attire of the employees. They say first impressions last, and I’m sure I could make up some alternative facts about how some colors are more disarming than others, but I won’t do that to you. That in mind, it’s a classic showdown as old as time . . . Blue vs Red. If we look back at history one thing is certain—Blue is just better than Red.
Don’t believe me. Patriots (Blue) vs Falcons (Red). Not convinced, that’s fair. Chicago Cubs (Blue) vs Cleveland Indians (Red). What about, Alabama, aka crimson tide, aka red waves—losers. Some people might call this cherry-picking . . . well they’d be right. But I ignore their reality and substitute my own. Anyhow, it’s okay, I have further data to back up my point. How about a galaxy far, far away? Red glowy-sticks are always bad guys and blue glowy-sticks are always the good guys. On top of that doesn’t good always prevail. If good is blue and red is bad, then clearly blue always comes out on top.
But Jack, the bad guyth won in Thtarwars Epithodeth 2, 3, and 5!
Easy! Plot development. So even if you have a rebuttal to my facts, I’ll just saw your point in half by saying there is always plot development where red’s got to win to make blue’s inevitable victory all the sweeter. That said, Zaxby’s always comes out on top in our first category, Employee Uniforms.
Also, if you’ve never watched Red vs Blue by Rooster Teeth, go do it, you’ll instantly see that Blue is the superior squad at the end of the day, and this directly correlates (and causal too) with fast food chicken quality. Caboose can explain if you’re not following.
Zaxby’s – 1; Chick-fil-A – 0
CATEGORY II: Pandering
If we direct our attention to Chick-fil-A, it would seem that they do not pander much to their audience. Until you’ve completed your food order. Because at this moment you come to the sad realization that everything becomes ‘their pleasure.’ Literally EVERYTHING. If you crapped yourself in front of them and it made a giant mess then and there, one employee would proclaim that it is their pleasure to clean up your fecal excrement. It almost borders on a cult after you’ve been there four or five times. They just want to indoctrinate you into their ways.
It’s like a Jehovah’s witness. They just wear you down with kindness until one day you find yourself walking down the street in a white short-sleeve button down handing out pamphlets about why people shouldn’t celebrate birthdays. (My birthday is typically the only day I can literally do nothing and feel justified in doing so. I ain’t giving that up).
Zaxby’s however, is much subtler with their pandering. Their employees act like any old fast food employee, either depressingly chipper, or annoyingly depressed. But the venue is where the pandering occurs. Every Zaxby’s is typically walled with the local sports regalia. So even if you live in the middle of bum-nowhere Missouri you can still get your Mizzou Tigers fill. Relive the glory days when they were kind of good. That said, every time you go back you’ll find another new trinket on the wall to bring you back to happier times. The times when your sports team was decent. The Good Ole Days.
Zaxby’s gets the edge as they shove the regional sports teams down our throats and cause us to relive the before times. While, Chick-fil-A pushes me ever closer and closer to a postal rampage every time I hear an employee tell me something is their pleasure. “Oh, is it DEBORAH?!”
Zaxby’s – 2; Chick-fil-A – 0
CATEGORY III: Sundays
I mean c’mon chicken and NFL football go hand in hand. That’s been buffalo wild wings marketing strategy for almost a decade.
But I guess, since the season is over Chick-fil-A gets a bit of an edge. Although, in all seriousness, THOSE FUCKERS ARE CLOSED ON SUNDAYS! How on this gorgeous green earth am I supposed to get chicken through a drive through window right before the Broncos play if you aren’t even open?! Just take my money damnit!
Zaxby’s however, maintains a more traditional and wholesome set of operating hours. In fact, if you get stuck inside they’re more likely to have TVs and you can watch the games and never leave. Just have the employees keep bringing out hot honey mustard wings and those deliciously seasoned crinkle cut fries. If you’re thirsty you can get your own refills too. Does, Chick-fil-A do that . . . Didn’t think so.
That said this is an easy kicker for Zaxby’s and its looking like a sweep for the One True King of the Bird.
Zaxby’s – 3; Chick-fil-A – 0
Some of you might be saying that I brought some bias to the stage by not reviewing the actual food. Well, screw you. That’s what I have to say. But, in an effort to appease you all, I have included this lightning round. 50 words or less per category, to settle who is the one true King of the Bird.
Menu: This one is an easy win for Chick-fil-A. The breakfast menu is just a huge trump card and Zaxby’s gets a nice bird slap to the face with their lack of quality breakfast food.
Zaxby’s – 3; Chick-fil-A – 1
Special Sauce: I prefer Zax Sauce. I like the bite due to its Worcestershire base. However, the masses typically prefer sweet to spice and with the BBQ sauce base of Chick-fil-A sauce they squeak by with the populace vote (not that that’s ever done anyone any good).
Zaxby’s – 3; Chick-fil-A – 2
The Gays: Easy win for Chick-fil-A . . . JOKING.
This one is Zaxbys all day!
Your sexual preference is your own choice and you shouldn’t let a place that employees sixteen year olds to ‘pleasure’ you up and down the restaurant make you feel like any less of human being.
“100 Points to Zaxbys!”
Zaxby’s – 103; Chick Fil A – 2
And there you have it folks, go get yourselves some Zaxby’s and enjoy the boneless wings and things with fries and texas toast!