Super Bowl 51 – What You Need to Know From a Guy Who Missed the Super Bowl

Long story short, while hopped up on pain pills, confined to crutches/wheel chairs, and traveling back from Albany, NY to Indianapolis, I failed to watch the Super Bowl. But for all of those fans who also missed it or just got too drunk to remember, I’ve got the highlights for you.

1st Quarter (0-0) Literally nothing happened.

For many of you loners, this is probably why you turned the game off and dove into the Santa Clarita Diet on Netflix (show actually had me laughing a lot — might have been the pain pills).

Although, Devonta Freeman did have a nice, I don’t know, lets say 47 yard run. Still nothing happened in the first. So, when you showed up late, Chuck, because you “couldn’t find the address” you were actually justified in doing so.

2nd Quarter (0-0) Finally some things happen. 

If you’re a Patriots Fan this was not a good quarter for you. HOWEVER, everything comes back to this second quarter. Early on, LeGarrette Blount fumbles the ball, which inevitably leads to Devonta Freeman running the ball in from about seven yards out. But, let’s get back to the fumble. If this schmuck (who somehow balled out during the regular season) holds onto the ball, then good ole Billy Bely-Chick probably doesn’t threaten (presumably) Josh McDaniels life and family to turn the ball over to James White in all of the clutch situations.

Also who the HELL is James White?! I hadn’t even heard of this guy until PFTCommenter (Barstool Sports) predicted that he’d have the first score on his and Big Cat’s Pardon My Take Podcast (which White didn’t, so hoping that was a small bet). But the guy had three HUGE scores, and in positions that my Fantasy Team had relied on Blount for all friggen season. Shit, White only ran for 29 yards and 2 TDs (but 110 receiving and another TD) and Blount only had 31, yet the Pats somehow managed to have 5 guys equal the exact same amount of rushing yards as Freeman and Tevin Coleman combined for, at 104. Anyways, if Blount doesn’t fuck up early, its possible James isn’t trusted as much on the goal line and maybe that’s when Blount screws up.

But, no more ifs. The Falcons get the ball back and the defense was apparently solid, making Brady look nervous and had him hopping around like a concussed meerkat. (SPOILER: he sets down Giselle’s purse in the second half). Any who, Matty Ice comes up with the clutch 20-some yard tuddy lob to some Stanford rookie named Austin Hooper. I mean this man-child did nothing all season, but hey he’s got a super bowl touchdown, which is more than Chuck can say, that’s what you get for showing up late Charles. So yeah, Falcons up 14-0 at this point.

Then Tom Brady throws his first ever pick-six in the postseason for an 82 yard return by Robert Alford. May favorite part of this play is that Brady tries to “tackle” Alford and instead just kind of flops to the ground like a seal who has quit before he even started. Anyhow, the Pats are down 21-0. Somehow, no thanks to Tom Brady and Martellus Bennett they get three points. James White again puts the team on his back as Brady air-mails several receivers, while James moves them down field allegedly making the Falcons D look silly. Yet Bennett (like he did consistently in Chicago and Dallas) shits the bed and puts up a holding call that probably prevented a New England touchdown. They end up with a field goal.

Half Time (21-3) Lady Gaga puts on a show.

So, I have to put this out there. Lady Gaga is the Johnny Depp of females. I seriously just do not know what she looks like because she is always dressing her face up in some sort of cosutme featuring copious amounts of makeup and glitter. Anyways, she repelled from the roof after singing a shortened God Bless America (Go Us) and put on a decent show. There were lots of subliminal messages in there, but the big takeaways were: 1) Poker Face is still a jam of a song; 2) 360° keyboards are really over the top; 3) She might be a magician/demon as her hair lengthens, her face makeup, half her outfit, and she herself disappear by the end of the performance. Also ya’know there are lots of, stay united, love yourself, stay connected, and go america motifs throughout.

3rd Quarter (21-3) Gostowski misses an Extra Point.

Chuck you picked a good quarter to go on a “snack run” also your hoodie reeked when you came back, you’re not fooling anyone.

In any amount of seriousness, this quarter was a wash. Tevin Coleman scores on a touch down pass from Matty Ice to put the birds up by 25 (28-3), just so that Brady could surpass his previous comeback deficit of 24. Yet, the Pats make it back down field and score. But once again a Patriot screws the pooch, and I honestly didn’t think Bill would trust him the rest of the night. I of course am refering to Pats kicker Stephen Gostowski missing an extra point after James White continues to make the Atlanta D just look silly. However, my favorite highlight occurs in the third quarter when Dwight Freeney and Martellus Bennett get locked up.

4th Quarter (28-9) NEVER count out Touchdown Tom.

To get this out of the way here is the only Falcons highlight for the remainder of the game. (Yes he caught that).

Anyhow, Gostowski is given a second chance, didn’t think it’d happen  (this is the last time we see him). He sinks a 30-something yarder and the pats are down 28-12. Then based on the lack of highlights I can only assume the Falcons proceed to do nothing on offense and turn the ball over. Tom Brady who as mentioned earlier has set Giselle’s purse down by this point and with the teamwork of Amendola, the Pats score a short touchdown and its all of a sudden 28-18. But wait! No more Gostowski, and the Pats hand the ball to White on a direct snap, 28 – 20. Everyone knows its over at this point. It just takes Matty Ice (who is still elite, just 60% of the time, all the time) to prove it.

That said, there’s no tuck rule for Matt Ryan, as he fumbles the ball leading to a Patriots score. Although not before Julian Edelman can erase the David Tyree catch from all Patriots fans’ memories, as he comes up with the single greatest clutch catch I have ever seen. Then James White scores his second touchdown of the game running in embarissangly untouched by the Falcons D. Somehow then Amendola crosses the goal line on a short screen play for two, and we are all tied up at 28 – 28. But the game has long been over.

Overtime (28-28) #BallNeverCrossedTheGoalLine

For the first time ever we get overtime Super Bowl action. The Pats get the ball and march down field. In the red zone, Brady tosses it to White and he plunges in towards the near side for a “touchdown.” The officials don’t review it (although all scoring plays are supposed to be reviewed!) and the game is over. America is pissed, Tom Brady’s got 5 rings and the Dynasty is official.

You be the judge though, did White score?

Actually, no you don’t be the judge, I’m the judge, he didn’t. But the Falcons don’t deserve the win, that was a choke job and seriously we all learned, NEVER count out Touchdown Tom who is officially the G.O.A.T. with 446 yards passing and 2 TDs to get that sweet sweet 5th ring. 16587232_1393881907325160_1416040107005008424_o

p.s. Shout out to the guy who stole Brady’s jersey. 

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