The Real Reasons Why Matt Ryan is Elite

Leading up to the Sup… “The Big Game” 51, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan has drawn comparisons to Joe Flacco in the regards that many still do not know whether or not the Boston College alumnus can claim to be an “Elite” level QB. Well, I’m here to tell you he is and here are three reasons why.

1) He’s got two first names.

Throughout the history of time, we have been graced by horrible parents who have given their children two first names. Although, they have all turned out to be legends in their own right. Yes, all of them, every single one.

I start with the greatest NASCAR driver of our generation, Ricky Bobby. The Phenom took the world by storm and instantly catapulted NASCAR out of the hick dungeon that is the south, into mainstream America. Despite his horrific accident at Charlotte, and losing it all, “The Great One” made a historic charge to dethrone formula one star Jean Gerard at Talladega. Don’t believe me, does anyone care about NASCAR since Bobby left—that’s what I thought. He truly inspired an entire generation to understand, “if ya ain’t first, you’re last.”

Then there was Ray Lewis. One of my favorite players to ever watch play the game. Every time Lewis stepped on the field the anticipation mounted as to whether or not his body would crumble underneath him or if he would snap some poor quarterback’s neck. I mean this is the only guy to successfully get away with publicized murder and come back to the sport. Don’t believe he’s so great, see Aaron Hernandez.

Lastly, I point you to President Harry Truman the namesake of the University of Missouri’s mascot Truman the Tiger. It is known by many scholars that Truman spent much time sleeping in Hobo camps in rural Kansas, where we can only imagine how many bum fights he took part in. But it is rumored (by me) that he went undefeated. Also only Andrew Jackson (two first names, coincidence, I think not) could rival Truman for the most significant impact on a specific segment of the human population with one fell swoop.

2) With a nickname like Matty Ice, how could he not be elite?

Think about it. I mean just starting with alcohol alone, every elite beer has “Ice” after it. Keystone Ice, Natural Ice, Smirnoff Ice (a favorite of white girls and dicks everywhere), Busch Ice, Bud Ice, I mean the list goes on…I think. All of these are at the top of the beer game. I mean why else do they consistently litter the most run down parts of college campuses?

But Matty Ice is so much more than a pale lager beer that has undergone freezing at some point in its brewing process. I direct your attention to things such as luges, sculptures, and Iceland. With luging, I have seen Ice luging in the Olympics and people die from it. Where is that from boring old dryland luging, nowhere. Also who hasn’t seen some college co-ed try to drink from an ice luge and destroy her top? I mean that’s the only reason to have an ice luge, and you just don’t get that from normal luges.

Now, Ice sculptures are the most elite of sculptures and those are made with chainsaws, the most elite of hand held power tools. Plus they’re gone after about a week at most, so you don’t have to hear about them for centuries. We get it already, David’s dick is going to fall off, I just don’t care. Then there’s Iceland, which is lowkey better than Greenland. As we all know Greenland is just a fat lie because its covered in ice and no one wants to go there. If you’re not sold google Icelandic supermodels, arguably the most elite of the supermodels, and thank me later.

3) The “sacred” number three pretty much rules his life. So much so, he wears the #2 to escape it.

Don’t believe me. A little Wikipedia research will enlighten you. He was a 3-sport athlete in high school, in fact the big three (Baseball, Basketball, and Football). Not convinced, he played small forward for his high school team (The Three). Still not convinced, how bout the fact that he was a shortstop (position 6 aka 3+3).

Now if you still doubt the 3 in his life, I direct you to the fact that he started for Boston College, for guess what, three seasons. Those same years ’05, ’06, ’07, he led the Golden Eagles to 3 bowl games, and 3 victories. On top of this guess where he ranks all time in passing yards in BC history—you guessed it, third.

To round it out, let us look back to Draft Day 2008. Most of you know where I am going with this, but he was the THIRD overall pick. Then there is his Pro Bowl selections, which is sadly four. HOWEVER, thanks to the Super Bowl/NFL gods and the actual subpar play of the Packers, Matty Ice will end the season with, you guessed it, only 3 Pro Bowl appearances. His life is riddled with three, which my religious friends tell me is sacred, and at this moment I don’t doubt it.

BONUS

If you aren’t sold, then I present to you, the Icing on the Matt Ryan cake. It took Matty Ice leading the Falcons to the Super Bowl for everyone’s favorite human cheat code from Madden 2004, Michael Vick, to retire from the NFL. Not even a prison sentence could do that.

Matty “Cold as Ice” Ryan is in fact, Elite.

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