With Pat McAfee (29) retiring to pursue a career in Sports journalism(?), sure we’ll call it that, I got to thinking, ‘what if other athletes ditched their mutli-million dollar deals for lesser idealistic dreams?’ To get to the bottom of these I went all Sherlock Holmes and held some mental pressers with some of today’s biggest athletes to figure out what they would be doing after retirement.
Russel Westbrook (28)
The OKC Thunder star will end his regular season with a 7th place finish in the Western Conference, but will boast 10 more wins (eh, 15) than the Eastern Conference 7th place finishing Chicago Bulls. However, the Thunder will timidly follow that up with an early playoff exit. And just when he thinks that something will be salvaged from this season the MVP will go to James Harden’s beard (triple double monster for thickness, volume, and rebounds).
Disappointed and losing hope, Brodie will find that Penis Kanter jokes just no longer have the same luster that they used to. In turn, the beady-eyed dinosaur that he is will scurry to Miami where he will rip Chris Bosh from his cryogenic chamber, nearly causing his heart to explode, and the two will fly to UCLA to find some smart science-types. Together with his crack team of dinosaurs and dino-nerds Brodie & Bosh will open the first real world Jurassic Park!
It will be a sight to behold as Russ amasses triple double after triple double in the K-Kritters Paleo-Dome against the Toronto Raptors, which he will purchase and will now assume the roll of a Globe Trotter-esc group of genetically modified dino-losers. Meanwhile, Bosh will saunter around the park in a clearly copyright infringing purple dinosaur costume. Children will run in fear and drunk college frat bros will attempt to table top the 6’11” purple mascot, while relentlessly screaming, “Where’s Bron and Wade to protect you now!”
Sydney Crosby (29)
At 29 years of age Syd “The Kid” is coming off of his second Stanley Cup ring and slowly realizing that it won’t be long until it becomes noticeably weird to be referred to by that nickname as a thirty year old man. After losing to the Blackhawks in the 2017 Final, “The Kid” will decide to hang up the skates for the last time.
Just like that guy who peaked in high school, Syd won’t be able to set the mantle of “The Kid” down. In an effort, to keep TK going, Crosby’s immediate retirement will be followed by the opening of Kids’ Toown, a Canadian themed Chuckie Cheese knock off. Half of the games will be air hockey and bubble hockey tables. Their highlighted menu item will be concerningly greasy pizza doused in gravy, cheese curds, and soggy french fries.
The funnest place in Canada will feature teeth painting to look like your favorite hockey stars (Brent Burns fans, looking at you), cold pilsners for parents to drown their sorrows, while their apologetic children try to amass a cohort of flattened-penny like tokens all in a vain effort to bring home that giant plush maple leaf. And if you’re not sold yet, the mascot will be an oversized goose with a black eye named Gunter, who parades around on an ice track throughout the restaurant. If you don’t leave Syd’s Kids’ Toown without a few scrapes and bruises, you’re just doing it wrong.
Clayton Kershaw (28)
Following another Cy Young season in 2017 that will see the Dodgers surprisingly miss the playoffs all-together, the highest paid pitcher in baseball will begin to re-evaluate his life’s choices and decide its time to move on from baseball.
However, with his ailing back issues from dragging LA’s forty-man roster around for eight seasons, he will apparently settle down in Zambia, where he and his wife have built an orphanage with the excess of his stupidly large contract. After falling in love with and adopting young Bupe from the orphanage, Clayton will decide that he will become a full fledged Zambian, and leave his entire American life behind to take over as headmaster of the Kershaw Orphanage.
During his time at the Orphanage the Zambian Caraculs (sponsored by Akon) will go undefeated boasting 4,325 no hitters, and a league leading zero losses. Upon reaching his midlife crisis, Kershaw will then bring the Caraculs out West for the Little League World Series, where the team will bring home the title after beating up on some snot nosed kids from Long Island, who are questionably twelve years old.
Overwhelmed with pride and having finally won a championship, Kershaw will take one last moment of solitude as his team prepares for a night out at Syd’s Kid’s Toown to celebrate. He will stand out on the mound gazing up at the scoreboard, which will still read Long Island – 6, Caracul’s – 9. One single tear will trickle from his eye and slowly descend down the side of his leathery tanned face from years in the hot Zambian sun, before he collapses to the ground with his last breath.
Somewhere in the distance a fifty year old Gronk will be heard chuckling and muttering “69” as he sucks on a lollipop from his wheel chair.