Chick-fil-A vs Zaxby’s: The Final Cluck-down

While I am by no means an expert when it comes to taste pallets, food presentation, and yelp, (ya’know all the things that make a true foodie) I do know fast food chicken. With that said, I think it’s time someone finally hashed out the greatest battle of all time, in an effort to determine who is the One True King of the Bird.

CATEGORY I: Employee Uniforms

First things first, we have to start with the attire of the employees. They say first impressions last, and I’m sure I could make up some alternative facts about how some colors are more disarming than others, but I won’t do that to you. That in mind, it’s a classic showdown as old as time . . .  Blue vs Red. If we look back at history one thing is certain—Blue is just better than Red.

Don’t believe me. Patriots (Blue) vs Falcons (Red). Not convinced, that’s fair. Chicago Cubs (Blue) vs Cleveland Indians (Red). What about, Alabama, aka crimson tide, aka red waves—losers. Some people might call this cherry-picking . . . well they’d be right. But I ignore their reality and substitute my own. Anyhow, it’s okay, I have further data to back up my point. How about a galaxy far, far away? Red glowy-sticks are always bad guys and blue glowy-sticks are always the good guys. On top of that doesn’t good always prevail. If good is blue and red is bad, then clearly blue always comes out on top.

But Jack, the bad guyth won in Thtarwars Epithodeth 2, 3, and 5!

 Easy! Plot development. So even if you have a rebuttal to my facts, I’ll just saw your point in half by saying there is always plot development where red’s got to win to make blue’s inevitable victory all the sweeter. That said, Zaxby’s always comes out on top in our first category, Employee Uniforms.

Also, if you’ve never watched Red vs Blue by Rooster Teeth, go do it, you’ll instantly see that Blue is the superior squad at the end of the day, and this directly correlates (and causal too) with fast food chicken quality. Caboose can explain if you’re not following.

Zaxby’s – 1; Chick-fil-A – 0

CATEGORY II: Pandering

 If we direct our attention to Chick-fil-A, it would seem that they do not pander much to their audience. Until you’ve completed your food order. Because at this moment you come to the sad realization that everything becomes ‘their pleasure.’ Literally EVERYTHING. If you crapped yourself in front of them and it made a giant mess then and there, one employee would proclaim that it is their pleasure to clean up your fecal excrement. It almost borders on a cult after you’ve been there four or five times. They just want to indoctrinate you into their ways.

It’s like a Jehovah’s witness. They just wear you down with kindness until one day you find yourself walking down the street in a white short-sleeve button down handing out pamphlets about why people shouldn’t celebrate birthdays. (My birthday is typically the only day I can literally do nothing and feel justified in doing so. I ain’t giving that up).

Zaxby’s however, is much subtler with their pandering. Their employees act like any old fast food employee, either depressingly chipper, or annoyingly depressed. But the venue is where the pandering occurs. Every Zaxby’s is typically walled with the local sports regalia. So even if you live in the middle of bum-nowhere Missouri you can still get your Mizzou Tigers fill. Relive the glory days when they were kind of good. That said, every time you go back you’ll find another new trinket on the wall to bring you back to happier times. The times when your sports team was decent. The Good Ole Days.

Zaxby’s gets the edge as they shove the regional sports teams down our throats and cause us to relive the before times. While, Chick-fil-A pushes me ever closer and closer to a postal rampage every time I hear an employee tell me something is their pleasure. “Oh, is it DEBORAH?!”

Zaxby’s – 2; Chick-fil-A – 0

 CATEGORY III: Sundays

I mean c’mon chicken and NFL football go hand in hand. That’s been buffalo wild wings marketing strategy for almost a decade.

But I guess, since the season is over Chick-fil-A gets a bit of an edge. Although, in all seriousness, THOSE FUCKERS ARE CLOSED ON SUNDAYS! How on this gorgeous green earth am I supposed to get chicken through a drive through window right before the Broncos play if you aren’t even open?! Just take my money damnit!

Zaxby’s however, maintains a more traditional and wholesome set of operating hours. In fact, if you get stuck inside they’re more likely to have TVs and you can watch the games and never leave. Just have the employees keep bringing out hot honey mustard wings and those deliciously seasoned crinkle cut fries. If you’re thirsty you can get your own refills too. Does, Chick-fil-A do that . . . Didn’t think so.

That said this is an easy kicker for Zaxby’s and its looking like a sweep for the One True King of the Bird.

Zaxby’s – 3; Chick-fil-A – 0

LIGHTNING ROUND:

Some of you might be saying that I brought some bias to the stage by not reviewing the actual food. Well, screw you. That’s what I have to say. But, in an effort to appease you all, I have included this lightning round. 50 words or less per category, to settle who is the one true King of the Bird.

Menu: This one is an easy win for Chick-fil-A. The breakfast menu is just a huge trump card and Zaxby’s gets a nice bird slap to the face with their lack of quality breakfast food.

Zaxby’s – 3; Chick-fil-A – 1

Special Sauce: I prefer Zax Sauce. I like the bite due to its Worcestershire base. However, the masses typically prefer sweet to spice and with the BBQ sauce base of Chick-fil-A sauce they squeak by with the populace vote (not that that’s ever done anyone any good).

Zaxby’s – 3; Chick-fil-A – 2

The Gays: Easy win for Chick-fil-A . . . JOKING.

This one is Zaxbys all day!

Your sexual preference is your own choice and you shouldn’t let a place that employees sixteen year olds to ‘pleasure’ you up and down the restaurant make you feel like any less of human being.

“100 Points to Zaxbys!”

Zaxby’s – 103; Chick Fil A – 2

And there you have it folks, go get yourselves some Zaxby’s and enjoy the boneless wings and things with fries and texas toast!Untitled design (7).png

 

 

Super Bowl 51 – What You Need to Know From a Guy Who Missed the Super Bowl

Long story short, while hopped up on pain pills, confined to crutches/wheel chairs, and traveling back from Albany, NY to Indianapolis, I failed to watch the Super Bowl. But for all of those fans who also missed it or just got too drunk to remember, I’ve got the highlights for you.

1st Quarter (0-0) Literally nothing happened.

For many of you loners, this is probably why you turned the game off and dove into the Santa Clarita Diet on Netflix (show actually had me laughing a lot — might have been the pain pills).

Although, Devonta Freeman did have a nice, I don’t know, lets say 47 yard run. Still nothing happened in the first. So, when you showed up late, Chuck, because you “couldn’t find the address” you were actually justified in doing so.

2nd Quarter (0-0) Finally some things happen. 

If you’re a Patriots Fan this was not a good quarter for you. HOWEVER, everything comes back to this second quarter. Early on, LeGarrette Blount fumbles the ball, which inevitably leads to Devonta Freeman running the ball in from about seven yards out. But, let’s get back to the fumble. If this schmuck (who somehow balled out during the regular season) holds onto the ball, then good ole Billy Bely-Chick probably doesn’t threaten (presumably) Josh McDaniels life and family to turn the ball over to James White in all of the clutch situations.

Also who the HELL is James White?! I hadn’t even heard of this guy until PFTCommenter (Barstool Sports) predicted that he’d have the first score on his and Big Cat’s Pardon My Take Podcast (which White didn’t, so hoping that was a small bet). But the guy had three HUGE scores, and in positions that my Fantasy Team had relied on Blount for all friggen season. Shit, White only ran for 29 yards and 2 TDs (but 110 receiving and another TD) and Blount only had 31, yet the Pats somehow managed to have 5 guys equal the exact same amount of rushing yards as Freeman and Tevin Coleman combined for, at 104. Anyways, if Blount doesn’t fuck up early, its possible James isn’t trusted as much on the goal line and maybe that’s when Blount screws up.

But, no more ifs. The Falcons get the ball back and the defense was apparently solid, making Brady look nervous and had him hopping around like a concussed meerkat. (SPOILER: he sets down Giselle’s purse in the second half). Any who, Matty Ice comes up with the clutch 20-some yard tuddy lob to some Stanford rookie named Austin Hooper. I mean this man-child did nothing all season, but hey he’s got a super bowl touchdown, which is more than Chuck can say, that’s what you get for showing up late Charles. So yeah, Falcons up 14-0 at this point.

Then Tom Brady throws his first ever pick-six in the postseason for an 82 yard return by Robert Alford. May favorite part of this play is that Brady tries to “tackle” Alford and instead just kind of flops to the ground like a seal who has quit before he even started. Anyhow, the Pats are down 21-0. Somehow, no thanks to Tom Brady and Martellus Bennett they get three points. James White again puts the team on his back as Brady air-mails several receivers, while James moves them down field allegedly making the Falcons D look silly. Yet Bennett (like he did consistently in Chicago and Dallas) shits the bed and puts up a holding call that probably prevented a New England touchdown. They end up with a field goal.

Half Time (21-3) Lady Gaga puts on a show.

So, I have to put this out there. Lady Gaga is the Johnny Depp of females. I seriously just do not know what she looks like because she is always dressing her face up in some sort of cosutme featuring copious amounts of makeup and glitter. Anyways, she repelled from the roof after singing a shortened God Bless America (Go Us) and put on a decent show. There were lots of subliminal messages in there, but the big takeaways were: 1) Poker Face is still a jam of a song; 2) 360° keyboards are really over the top; 3) She might be a magician/demon as her hair lengthens, her face makeup, half her outfit, and she herself disappear by the end of the performance. Also ya’know there are lots of, stay united, love yourself, stay connected, and go america motifs throughout.

3rd Quarter (21-3) Gostowski misses an Extra Point.

Chuck you picked a good quarter to go on a “snack run” also your hoodie reeked when you came back, you’re not fooling anyone.

In any amount of seriousness, this quarter was a wash. Tevin Coleman scores on a touch down pass from Matty Ice to put the birds up by 25 (28-3), just so that Brady could surpass his previous comeback deficit of 24. Yet, the Pats make it back down field and score. But once again a Patriot screws the pooch, and I honestly didn’t think Bill would trust him the rest of the night. I of course am refering to Pats kicker Stephen Gostowski missing an extra point after James White continues to make the Atlanta D just look silly. However, my favorite highlight occurs in the third quarter when Dwight Freeney and Martellus Bennett get locked up.

4th Quarter (28-9) NEVER count out Touchdown Tom.

To get this out of the way here is the only Falcons highlight for the remainder of the game. (Yes he caught that).

Anyhow, Gostowski is given a second chance, didn’t think it’d happen  (this is the last time we see him). He sinks a 30-something yarder and the pats are down 28-12. Then based on the lack of highlights I can only assume the Falcons proceed to do nothing on offense and turn the ball over. Tom Brady who as mentioned earlier has set Giselle’s purse down by this point and with the teamwork of Amendola, the Pats score a short touchdown and its all of a sudden 28-18. But wait! No more Gostowski, and the Pats hand the ball to White on a direct snap, 28 – 20. Everyone knows its over at this point. It just takes Matty Ice (who is still elite, just 60% of the time, all the time) to prove it.

That said, there’s no tuck rule for Matt Ryan, as he fumbles the ball leading to a Patriots score. Although not before Julian Edelman can erase the David Tyree catch from all Patriots fans’ memories, as he comes up with the single greatest clutch catch I have ever seen. Then James White scores his second touchdown of the game running in embarissangly untouched by the Falcons D. Somehow then Amendola crosses the goal line on a short screen play for two, and we are all tied up at 28 – 28. But the game has long been over.

Overtime (28-28) #BallNeverCrossedTheGoalLine

For the first time ever we get overtime Super Bowl action. The Pats get the ball and march down field. In the red zone, Brady tosses it to White and he plunges in towards the near side for a “touchdown.” The officials don’t review it (although all scoring plays are supposed to be reviewed!) and the game is over. America is pissed, Tom Brady’s got 5 rings and the Dynasty is official.

You be the judge though, did White score?

Actually, no you don’t be the judge, I’m the judge, he didn’t. But the Falcons don’t deserve the win, that was a choke job and seriously we all learned, NEVER count out Touchdown Tom who is officially the G.O.A.T. with 446 yards passing and 2 TDs to get that sweet sweet 5th ring. 16587232_1393881907325160_1416040107005008424_o

p.s. Shout out to the guy who stole Brady’s jersey. 

The Real Reasons Why Matt Ryan is Elite

Leading up to the Sup… “The Big Game” 51, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan has drawn comparisons to Joe Flacco in the regards that many still do not know whether or not the Boston College alumnus can claim to be an “Elite” level QB. Well, I’m here to tell you he is and here are three reasons why.

1) He’s got two first names.

Throughout the history of time, we have been graced by horrible parents who have given their children two first names. Although, they have all turned out to be legends in their own right. Yes, all of them, every single one.

I start with the greatest NASCAR driver of our generation, Ricky Bobby. The Phenom took the world by storm and instantly catapulted NASCAR out of the hick dungeon that is the south, into mainstream America. Despite his horrific accident at Charlotte, and losing it all, “The Great One” made a historic charge to dethrone formula one star Jean Gerard at Talladega. Don’t believe me, does anyone care about NASCAR since Bobby left—that’s what I thought. He truly inspired an entire generation to understand, “if ya ain’t first, you’re last.”

Then there was Ray Lewis. One of my favorite players to ever watch play the game. Every time Lewis stepped on the field the anticipation mounted as to whether or not his body would crumble underneath him or if he would snap some poor quarterback’s neck. I mean this is the only guy to successfully get away with publicized murder and come back to the sport. Don’t believe he’s so great, see Aaron Hernandez.

Lastly, I point you to President Harry Truman the namesake of the University of Missouri’s mascot Truman the Tiger. It is known by many scholars that Truman spent much time sleeping in Hobo camps in rural Kansas, where we can only imagine how many bum fights he took part in. But it is rumored (by me) that he went undefeated. Also only Andrew Jackson (two first names, coincidence, I think not) could rival Truman for the most significant impact on a specific segment of the human population with one fell swoop.

2) With a nickname like Matty Ice, how could he not be elite?

Think about it. I mean just starting with alcohol alone, every elite beer has “Ice” after it. Keystone Ice, Natural Ice, Smirnoff Ice (a favorite of white girls and dicks everywhere), Busch Ice, Bud Ice, I mean the list goes on…I think. All of these are at the top of the beer game. I mean why else do they consistently litter the most run down parts of college campuses?

But Matty Ice is so much more than a pale lager beer that has undergone freezing at some point in its brewing process. I direct your attention to things such as luges, sculptures, and Iceland. With luging, I have seen Ice luging in the Olympics and people die from it. Where is that from boring old dryland luging, nowhere. Also who hasn’t seen some college co-ed try to drink from an ice luge and destroy her top? I mean that’s the only reason to have an ice luge, and you just don’t get that from normal luges.

Now, Ice sculptures are the most elite of sculptures and those are made with chainsaws, the most elite of hand held power tools. Plus they’re gone after about a week at most, so you don’t have to hear about them for centuries. We get it already, David’s dick is going to fall off, I just don’t care. Then there’s Iceland, which is lowkey better than Greenland. As we all know Greenland is just a fat lie because its covered in ice and no one wants to go there. If you’re not sold google Icelandic supermodels, arguably the most elite of the supermodels, and thank me later.

3) The “sacred” number three pretty much rules his life. So much so, he wears the #2 to escape it.

Don’t believe me. A little Wikipedia research will enlighten you. He was a 3-sport athlete in high school, in fact the big three (Baseball, Basketball, and Football). Not convinced, he played small forward for his high school team (The Three). Still not convinced, how bout the fact that he was a shortstop (position 6 aka 3+3).

Now if you still doubt the 3 in his life, I direct you to the fact that he started for Boston College, for guess what, three seasons. Those same years ’05, ’06, ’07, he led the Golden Eagles to 3 bowl games, and 3 victories. On top of this guess where he ranks all time in passing yards in BC history—you guessed it, third.

To round it out, let us look back to Draft Day 2008. Most of you know where I am going with this, but he was the THIRD overall pick. Then there is his Pro Bowl selections, which is sadly four. HOWEVER, thanks to the Super Bowl/NFL gods and the actual subpar play of the Packers, Matty Ice will end the season with, you guessed it, only 3 Pro Bowl appearances. His life is riddled with three, which my religious friends tell me is sacred, and at this moment I don’t doubt it.

BONUS

If you aren’t sold, then I present to you, the Icing on the Matt Ryan cake. It took Matty Ice leading the Falcons to the Super Bowl for everyone’s favorite human cheat code from Madden 2004, Michael Vick, to retire from the NFL. Not even a prison sentence could do that.

Matty “Cold as Ice” Ryan is in fact, Elite.

What’s Next – How Pat McAfee is just the start

With Pat McAfee (29) retiring to pursue a career in Sports journalism(?), sure we’ll call it that, I got to thinking, ‘what if other athletes ditched their mutli-million dollar deals for lesser idealistic dreams?’ To get to the bottom of these I went all Sherlock Holmes and held some mental pressers with some of today’s biggest athletes to figure out what they would be doing after retirement.

Russel Westbrook (28)

The OKC Thunder star will end his regular season with a 7th place finish in the Western Conference, but will boast 10 more wins (eh, 15) than the Eastern Conference 7th place finishing Chicago Bulls. However, the Thunder will timidly follow that up with an early playoff exit. And just when he thinks that something will be salvaged from this season the MVP will go to James Harden’s beard (triple double monster for thickness, volume, and rebounds).

Disappointed and losing hope, Brodie will find that Penis Kanter jokes just no longer have the same luster that they used to. In turn, the beady-eyed dinosaur that he is will scurry to Miami where he will rip Chris Bosh from his cryogenic chamber, nearly causing his heart to explode, and the two will fly to UCLA to find some smart science-types. Together with his crack team of dinosaurs and dino-nerds Brodie & Bosh will open the first real world Jurassic Park!

It will be a sight to behold as Russ amasses triple double after triple double in the K-Kritters Paleo-Dome against the Toronto Raptors, which he will purchase and will now assume the roll of a Globe Trotter-esc group of genetically modified dino-losers. Meanwhile, Bosh will saunter around the park in a clearly copyright infringing purple dinosaur costume. Children will run in fear and drunk college frat bros will attempt to table top the 6’11” purple mascot, while relentlessly screaming, “Where’s Bron and Wade to protect you now!”

Sydney Crosby (29)

At 29 years of age Syd “The Kid” is coming off of his second Stanley Cup ring and slowly realizing that it won’t be long until it becomes noticeably weird to be referred to by that nickname as a thirty year old man. After losing to the Blackhawks in the 2017 Final, “The Kid” will decide to hang up the skates for the last time.

Just like that guy who peaked in high school, Syd won’t be able to set the mantle of “The Kid” down.  In an effort, to keep TK going, Crosby’s immediate retirement will be followed by the opening of Kids’ Toown, a Canadian themed Chuckie Cheese knock off. Half of the games will be air hockey and bubble hockey tables. Their highlighted menu item will be concerningly greasy pizza doused in gravy, cheese curds, and soggy french fries.

The funnest place in Canada will feature teeth painting to look like your favorite hockey stars (Brent Burns fans, looking at you), cold pilsners for parents to drown their sorrows, while their apologetic children try to amass a cohort of flattened-penny like tokens all in a vain effort to bring home that giant plush maple leaf. And if you’re not sold yet, the mascot will be an oversized goose with a black eye named Gunter, who parades around on an ice track throughout the restaurant. If you don’t leave Syd’s Kids’ Toown without a few scrapes and bruises, you’re just doing it wrong.

Clayton Kershaw (28) 

Following another Cy Young season in 2017 that will see the Dodgers surprisingly miss the playoffs all-together, the highest paid pitcher in baseball will begin to re-evaluate his life’s choices and decide its time to move on from baseball.

However, with his ailing back issues from dragging LA’s forty-man roster around for eight seasons, he will apparently settle down in Zambia, where he and his wife have built an orphanage with the excess of his stupidly large contract. After falling in love with and adopting young Bupe from the orphanage, Clayton will decide that he will become a full fledged Zambian, and leave his entire American life behind to take over as headmaster of the Kershaw Orphanage.

During his time at the Orphanage the Zambian Caraculs (sponsored by Akon) will go undefeated boasting 4,325 no hitters, and a league leading zero losses. Upon reaching his midlife crisis, Kershaw will then bring the Caraculs out West for the Little League World Series, where the team will bring home the title after beating up on some snot nosed kids from Long Island, who are questionably twelve years old.

Overwhelmed with pride and having finally won a championship, Kershaw will take one last moment of solitude as his team prepares for a night out at Syd’s Kid’s Toown to celebrate. He will stand out on the mound gazing up at the scoreboard, which will still read Long Island – 6, Caracul’s – 9. One single tear will trickle from his eye and slowly descend down the side of his leathery tanned face from years in the hot Zambian sun, before he collapses to the ground with his last breath.

Somewhere in the distance a fifty year old Gronk will be heard chuckling and muttering “69” as he sucks on a lollipop from his wheel chair.